It gets old really quick 😒

When I got back to NYC from South Korea, I was pretty much the most confident lady on the planet. I'd just gotten back from what I felt was the best summer of my life.

While I was in Korea, I partied like there was no tomorrow. My crazy ass would be at the club from 10PM to 6AM.

If there was anytime in my life when I concretely felt like the main character, it was while I was in South Korea. I was walking everywhere which had me feeling active and alive. I just felt like I was in the best shape. Not to mention, while I was at the clubs.... every man and their father was trying to grab a little piece of me. It was heaven for my attention-loving ass, I ain't even gonna fret.

I felt sexy. I felt young. I felt like I was really living out my 20s. I was hanging out with my Korean Friends and getting immersed in their culture. I was killing it taking classes at 1Million Studio and of course I had my aforementioned mini-romance with 7/11 boy.

Read about my mini-romance here: You're in your 20s; Now what? (kaycirose.com)

I was having the absolute time of my life. Week after week, for about a straight month, I was going out twice a week. Twice a week I was dancing until my body hurt so bad it could've just fallen apart on the subway. Twice a week I was kissing a different hot Korean boy and enjoying every minute of it. Then, something weird happened.

All the making out and partying didn't feel glamourous anymore. I'd done it so much that it had lost it's shine. It got old real fast. I mean, really, I have no idea why they portray our 20s as all this time partying because that'd mean that there'd also be just as much time spent laying in bed annoyed that it hurts to move.... I say this again, your 20s are NOTHING like what you've seen in the movie theatres.

Anyway, my last two times at the club, I found myself defeated. I'd kissed a hot guy that night, yeah it was fun, but I missed real human conversation. I'd spent pretty much the entirety of my trip being this sexy wild child and almost none of it having deep conversations about the world.

When I really sit down and think about my time in Korea, I discover that throughout the entire time, at the back of my head, I was afraid of what was next. Korea was amazing but what would happen when I got home? Would I retain any of the confidence? What about my career and life after college? Once I got back home, all that reality was gonna slap me in the face.

And, it did.

Like you read at the top of this blog entry, I did retain some confidence. However, all of it came from external forces. That confidence was relying on summer sunshine, a club-life where everyone thought I was as hot as Beyoncé (because I was something different from all the Korean women), and the ability to take amazing dance classes once or twice a week. All of which was slowly, but surely, becoming unobtainable to me when I got back home. And, what do you think happened when I didn't have my external sources of joy? I crumbled into a ball of sadness, yup.

That voice in the back of my head with all those worries about adulthood just grew louder and louder before it was the only thing I could really hear. And, even as the voice consumed my entire being, I desperately searched for something that could bring me that feeling of euphoria I felt in South Korea. I immediately threw myself into a club setting and was beyond disappointed. First: the music in the New Paltz clubs aren't that great. Second: no guy at the club wanted to dance with me and none of them looked at me like I was Beyoncé. Third, and most importantly: I wasn't just living my life and dancing, I was desperately hunting for a man to make out with.

My state of mind was just NOT IT. But, at the time I just blamed it on America being lame and went home annoyed. The next thing I did was try out theater-department-house-parties and they were fun but I WAS A MESS. I drank Mike's Hard Lemonade and was playing with literally every boys' hair, telling them they were so funny and cute (whether they were taken or not...) And, most of them gave me this look:

Needless to say, I went home feeling wack.

Night after night, I felt lost. Being back home wasn't like being in Korea. In Korea, I felt like I was on this amazing vacation-getaway-dream where the future didn't really exist because I cherished every single day that I awoke. Back in America, I had to really think about where I was going to end up after graduation. And, my mind was always so focused on what was next that I wasn't appreciating where I was in the present.

At the end of the day, all I was really longing for was somebody to talk all this stuff out with. And, I had people to talk about it with but I didn't want to seem like I was falling apart so I kept it all to myself. Because to me, I thought everyone else had it figured out.

And, that, that is what is wrong with society these days. We are all confused and lost but terrified to talk about it with our friends because we think they have it all figured out. What we really need to do is actively have deep conversations with our peers. We have to share our feelings of confusion and insecurity with each other and try and problem-solve together. We need to start lifting each other up and live the abundant lives we were meant to live.

So Step 5 of surviving your 20s:

• Share how your feeling with your peers. Have the hard deep conversations with them and begin to feel like you are not alone in your confusion. Cry together & Laugh together. Evolve together.

I'll tell you this: Unlike the conversations about TV shows or who's the hottest in class, the conversations about life NEVER get old.