With less than a month left till 26, I feel fear. I set myself up to find and discover the truth of my soul and I quake in terror, pondering who the being I am really is.
For the past 25 years, I have let my imagination consume me. I jam to my tunes and escape to the version of myself I dream to be, leaving myself and who I am presently in the shadows with no concrete answers on how to achieve what she wants. Now, realizing that I've fallen prey to the beast that is escapism for most of my life, I wonder what life is really meant to be.
This is where the big question comes up; who am I?
Here's my current answer:
And, I mean it.
If you told me to write a thesis on myself, I'd be stumped. I don't feel I have enough information on the subject matter. Ya girl can't even figure out what her personal style is coño..,
BUT like any daunting project or final, the first thing you're supposed to do is layout what you do know. Let's do that:
A. I like to be desired & admired
Whenever somebody looks at me like I'm gold or like I'm a piece of pizza, it pleases me. It fuels my confidence. I feel like it's a checkpoint of sorts that let's me know I'm doing things right, that reminds me I am hot and that my aura shines bright.
B. Experiences outside the house make me feel ALIVE.
My favorite days are the ones where time disappears and it feels like you've lived 24 amazing different days in only 24 hours. It's because I like the sense of adventure that comes with those types of days. I've also come to discover that I learn something deep about myself when doing something outside of the four walls I reside within. It's like when I stop focusing on how to solve a problem within myself, the answers just naturally fall into place. That must mean that the answer to life is just enjoying it, like a kid throwing caution to the wind.
C. I love music
Music does something to me. I don't know how to describe it but there's like a song out there for every emotion I've ever felt or every experience I've ever gone through. Not only that, but them booty-poppin jams got me and my big a** feeling like I'm the flyest shawty on the block. Music just gets my blood flowing, my soul feeling, and my body moving. It's magic & it makes me feel connected to something bigger.
D. Apparently, I tend to over-explain myself
I recently discovered that sometimes I talk so much about something that I lose myself and forget how I got there or if it's even connected. It's like my thoughts just blast in and they feel important so I keep talking. By the time I'm done, I'm like, "BRO WHAT THE HECK 🤨?" I think that's actually why I enjoy and dislike journaling/blogging. Writing helps me organize myself but also has me going, "WHAT AM I EVEN TRYING TO SAY 😩?" a myriad of times before I actually publish something.
Wanna know something INSANE? I shared this discovery with my boyfriend & this was his reaction:
This brings me to my next discovery:
E. Those closest to me know me better than I do ; This one got me like:
I told my cousin Andres that I like to be desired and admired & his response was, "I could've told you that 😑!" I don't think this phenomenon of "they know me better" belongs to me; I think we're all so busy trying to be the best versions of ourselves that we lose track of who we are. Those around us, however, don't live inside our minds; they get to experience us in the NOW. These lucky humans get to see you grow and change in real time and savor every single moment as it passes. So, yeah, they know the REAL YOU.
F. I'm not alone
No, I don't mean because I'm in a relationship although it is nice to have a designated man to make out with ....
I mean, everyone around you in your age range is in the same damn boat. We're all stuck in this weird society of the hustle and bustle, scared to stop and breathe, attached to the idea of being the best. Friends, the answer is to BE YOU (& if you don't know who that is... JUST LIVE.... We'll eventually figure it out; I have faith).
Now, should we simplify this entire blog into a thesis statement?
Kayci Rose is an outdoorsy girl who shakes her booty in her bedroom almost every day because music fuels her spirit. Sometimes she talks way too much but those closest to her know what she's trying to say before she does. Kayci is obsessed with her boyfriend and the community she has around her. She is not alone.
Me @ me after typing that ^
Wanna keep exploring me with me? Sign up for my newsletter & get emailed every time I post a blog. First 20 people to sign up get a free in-depth tarot reading.
Xoxo,
Kayci Rose
Comments